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Irish Coffee: The Shaqtionary

03.08.11 at 11:04 am ET
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Wake up with the Celtics and your daily dose of Irish Coffee ‘€¦

The oldest player in the NBA, Shaquille O’Neal celebrated his 39th birthday where most almost over-the-hill men celebrate their birthdays — at Boston Children’s Museum.

The Celtics center who hasn’t played since Feb. 1 — and has already missed 25 games this season — told reporters he was 85 percent and would not return until he’s fully healthy, which could be as soon as next week. Here are the quotes from his birthday celebration, courtesy of The Globe:

  • ‘€œHopefully, in the next week [I'€™ll be back]. They want me back at 100 percent. I tried to run on it the other day, and it felt pretty good, but I took a step back and I’€™m going to get back out there in a few days. I don’€™t really feel like I’€™m 39.’€™’€™
  • ‘€œIf I can walk, I can play, and I asked many times to shoot it up, and you know, they refuse. And the Big Three said they want me at 100 percent healthy, so I’€™m getting there.’€™’€™
  • ‘€œI have a little Achilles soreness. It gets better, it comes back, it gets better, it comes back. It’€™s better. Dr. [Brian] McKeon is doing a great job. I’€™ve been working out twice a day, getting treatment. It’€™ll be right.’€™’€™
  • ‘€œ[Kendrick] Perkins has meant a lot to this city, and he really helped them get No. 17 and we’€™re going to miss him. He was my main man. Everybody loves Perk. I love him. We became real good friends, and I congratulated him on his new deal. But this is a business. He’€™s going to be missed. We had a great time this year being on the same team.’€™’€™

So, there you have it. Danny Ainge, Doc Rivers, trainer Ed Lacerte, Dr. Brian McKeon and the Big Three all want Shaq to wait until he’s 100 percent before he returns to the court. He could play right now, but he’s won’t. The Celtics don’t need him now; they need him in the playoffs, so why rush him back? It’s a smart move by the Celtics, so can we just take it easy on the Shaq Watch?

Which brings me to a much more important topic. In honor of Shaq’s 39th birthday – which he called ShaqDay, which makes almost no sense — we scoured UrbanDictionary.com for the ultimate Shaqtionary, described as “the book that will be used to document all of the words that Shaquille O’Neal manages to create during his scrabble games.”

Of course, we eliminated the dirtiest definitions — like Shaq Off and Shaq’s Arm (use your imagination) – and came up with the following list …

  • MerShaq (n.): Half mermaid, half Shaquille O’Neal and 100 percent pretty cool (e.g., “Bow your head. That’s a MerShaq!”)
  • Shaq It (v.): To annihlate your drink (e.g., “It’s hot outside. I’m going to Shaq this drink.”)
  • Shaq Pack (n.): A big package (e.g., “Hey, be careful you don’t donk anybody with your Shaq Pack.”)
  • Shaq Shoes (n.): 26-inch rims (e.g., “Jesse rolled out his new Escalade with Shaq Shoes.”)
  • Shaq the Basket (v.): When one doesn’t come close to hooking up with a girl – much like Shaquille O’Neal’s attempt at free throws (e.g. “Man, did you see that girl Todd left with the other night? Yeah, he totally Shaqued the basket with her.”)
  • Shaq-Hammered (adj.): The result of drinking so much alcohol that if Shaquille O’Neal drank the same amount with his extra large stature even he would be wasted (e.g., “After 10 shots of Patron last night, I was Shaq-Hammered and almost went home with that fat girl.”)
  • Shaqabulary (n.): Any or all sayings, words originating from or regarding Shaquille O’Neal, a.k.a. “The Big Aristotle,” “The Hobo Master,” “The Diesel,” “Shaq Fu,” “The Big Daddy,” “Superman,” “The Big Agave,” “The Big Cactus,” “The Big Shaqtus,” “The Big Galactus,” “Wilt Chamberneezy,” “The Big Baryshnikov,” “The Real Deal,” “Dr. Shaq” and “Shaqovic.” (e.g., “I speak using the Shaqabulary.”)
  • Shaqgasmic (adj.): Being moved by Shaq in such a way that you are overwhelmed with feelings for Shaq (e.g., “I was watching an old Lakers game, and it was Shaqgasmic. I had so many Shaqgasms.”)
  • Shaqnanigans (n.): Shenanigans planned and orchestrated by Shaquille O’Neal (e.g., “Them’s some Shaqnanigans.”)
  • Shaqnasty (adj.): Possessing the quality of being disgustingly awesome (e.g., “My teacher said she was going to give everyone an A for the final. Shaqnasty!”)
  • Shaqqed (v.): A person rejecting or owning someone in any kind of battle (e.g., “Michael Shaqqed John in battleship.”)
  • Shaqsomnia (n.): The condition Shaq, or any other athlete, suffers from after his or her team suffers an embarrassing loss (e.g., “After my basketball team lost 100-0, I suffered from some terrible Shaqsomnia.”)
  • Shaqtastic (adj.): Exceedingly superlative and sublime beyond reason (e.g., “OMG! Shaqtastic!!!”)
  • Shaqting (v.): When a person who is highly skilled in one profession starts participating in another with no skill, and therefore quite horrible at it (e.g., Charles Barkley was Shaqting when he tried golfing.”)
  • Shaqtus (n.): A large thorny plant indigenous to San Antonio, Texas. When cut open, it is known to emit water, awesome and poor free throw skills (e.g., “There is a large shaqtus often observed casting a shadow of Kobe Bryant‘s career.”)
  • Shaquisition (n.): A personal item, most often but not limited to an item of clothing, taken unauthorized from the possession of the person with whom you have shacked (e.g., “Upon awaking alone in Gina’s apartment after a night of debauchery, Russell decided to shaquire a painting of Gina’s on the way out.”)

PETER VESCEY HATES DOC RIVERS

New York Post columnist Peter Vecsey once called Danny Ainge “Danny Ain’t,” and now he’s setting his sights on Celtics coach Doc Rivers. Vecsey ripped Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra for divulging to the media that his players cried following a fourth straight loss, and then the writer took the opportunity to throw Rivers under the same bus.

Basically, Vecsey’s point is that coaches shouldn’t use the media to get a point across to their players — something he claims Rivers has done in the past. Here’s the passage:

Don’t get me wrong, some coaches do it all the time but they do it under the cover of anonymity. I always respected Red Holzman and Jack Ramsay and their class for never giving up any negative info on a player. I quickly learned to distance myself from coaches who do.

I remember Doc Rivers, celebrated as a player’s coach by the unenlightened or those supplied by info, once pulled me aside in Orlando after a game. He told me Darrell Armstrong supposedly had said stuff during halftime intermission that contradicted people’s perception he was an ideal team leader.

The scheme was to use me to expose the Magic guard and thus make it easier to dump Armstrong, which transpired in due course … without my collaboration.

This kind of dirty dealing happens all the time. Anything for an untraceable juicy story … frequently fervently denied by the snitch who brands the media account “irresponsible.” Next time you read that quote, think again. That’s our journalism lesson for today.

Well, thank you for enlightening us. I had no idea that Rivers wasn’t a player’s coach. It’s not like Kevin Garnett & Co. ever said they’d be devastated if their coach retired. Oh, wait …

KEVIN GARNETT CAN’T PUT JEFF GREEN INTO WORDS

While Garnett never masked his emotions about the trade of his friend Kendrick Perkins, he’s certainly warming up to the acquisition of Jeff Green, Nenad Krstic and the 27 other new guys the Celtics signed over the past couple weeks. Here’s what he told Basketball Prospectus:

“Jeff is probably one of the most versatile guys I’ve been around. It just looks like he does things effortlessly. He just makes it look simple. I can’t really put him into words right now. I’m glad he’s an addition to our team. I’ve got my own personal feelings about Perk because he’s my brother, but I’m embracing this new relationship with Jeff and Kris.

“Kris is very versatile. I didn’t know he was that good of an offensive rebounder. He’s very active. I’ve just got to learn the small things about them, about what they like to do. I’m pretty sure we’re going to be Ok with those guys. They’re fitting right in. So far, so good.”

And here’s what Garnett wrote in his latest blog entry on shoe company Anta’s website:

“New guys are finding their way and will get better and learn our system. More new teammates for us. Welcome Troy Murphy, Sasha [Pavlovic] and now Carlos [Arroyo].  We’ve got our guys, now time to get healthy and figure things out.”

PAUL PIERCE: PLAYER OF THE WEEK, AGAIN

For the second time this season, Paul Pierce captured the Eastern Conference Player of the Week honor, over fellow nominee Ray Allen. Pierce also won in mid-December. Pierce’s week that was:

  • Celtics 107, Jazz 102: 21 points and seven rebounds
  • Celtics 115, Suns 103: 16 points and 13 rebounds
  • Celtics 107, Warriors 103: 27 points and seven rebounds
  • Celtics 89, Bucks 83: 23 points, five rebounds and four assists

By the way, if you haven’t read Paul Flannery’s case for Pierce as the C’s MVP, do it now.

(Have a question, concern or conception for tomorrow’€™s Irish Coffee or a future mailbag? Send an e-mail tobrohrbach@weei.com or a Twitter message to @brohrbach.)

Read More: Boston Celtics, Doc Rivers, Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce
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