Retired NBA center Shaquille O’Neal  appeared on Conan O’Brien‘s show on Tuesday night, promoting his future as an analyst on TNT’s “Inside the NBA.” When leaving the show, the Celtics ‘ starting center this past season appeared to still be recovering from his surgery on the right Achilles tendon that kept him from contributing to the team in the playoffs, as he limped over to a miniature pink car, fell trying to get on it and rode off the show.
Obviously, Shaq summed it up best: “I’m 7-foot, 335, but I like to feel small, so I like to ride things that I can’t fit in. Tiny things. You look at me, and you look at the thing that I’m about to get in, and people say, ‘You can fit in that.’ And I’ll be like, ‘Watch this.'” Maybe the Celtics should have given him some Power Wheels rather than an RV ?
All in all, another funny appearance from Shaq that included a jab at ESPN analyst Skip Bayless. The highlights:
- On his parents’ pride after his retirement: “My mother is very happy, but my father’s upset with me. He calls me Dummy. The reason is that I have 28,000 points, and I missed 5,000 free throws. Two more thousand and I’d be up at 30,000 points.” (Heard this one before, but it’s still a good line.)
- On meeting Al Pacino: “I met him a long time ago, and I was like, ‘Al, man, it’s great to see you. You’re from “Scarface,” “Any Given Sunday,” I just love you.’ And Al just looked at me and said, ‘And you are?’ And I just said, ‘I’m nobody Al. I’m just a fan.'” (Not sure if this makes Pacino bigger than big-time or an idiot.)
- On his relationship with Ashton Kutcher: “For years, I told him he couldn’t Punk me. He Punk’d me one day, and it was embarrassing. I went to a restaurant and stole this guy’s parking spot. Well, I didn’t steal it. I went there first. When I went in and came out, the guy had flattened my tires. I had the guy by the neck like this [strangles Andy Richter], and I was getting ready to choke the guy and getting ready to hit him when Ashton came out and said, ‘We Punk’d you.'” (I love how Shaq is laughing as he explains how he wrapped his huge hands around this dude’s throat and threatened him.)
- On trying to get into the White House and meet Barack Obama: “I just wanted to take up 30 seconds of the president’s time. I wanted to be able to get in, shake his hand, say, ‘Thank you, sir,’ and then leave. That’s all I wanted. I don’t want stay all day. So, I went up to the gate. I looked that guy, and he had a smile on his face, and I was like [gives a knowing look]. And he was like, ‘Shaq, what do you want?’ And I said, ‘Can I just say hi to the president?’ He was like, ‘Nah, Shaq, you can’t do it.'” (How far Andy and Conan take this joke — comparing it to an old Warner brothers cartoon — is classic.)
- “The only time I get upset is when analysts don’t have the extensive resume. If you only got 1,000 points and no rings and no All-Star appearances or just flat out couldn’t play, then [gives another knowing look]. I don’t want to say any names. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. Skip Bayless.” (Great delivery.)