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Irish Coffee: Kevin Garnett’s Secret Santa 11.30.12 at 1:05 pm ET
By

WEEI’s Mut & Merloni show featured Kevin Garnett as the weekly Celtics Thursday guest, and the guys relayed a fan question about what he planned on getting Ray Allen for Christmas.

After an audible pause, Garnett said: “Absolutely nothing.”

“Nothing at all,” Merloni responded. “Not even a card. Nothing?”

“You know what?” said Garnett. “That whole situation kind of came and went. I wish Ray the best. I wish his family the best. But we have Secret Santas around here, and I want to focus on my Secret Santa.”

In terms of Quote of the Year, it’s going to be hard to top KG’s “I want to focus on my Secret Santa.” I picture Garnett picking a Celtics teammate’s name out of a hat (held extremely high by Fab Melo), guarding that secret with his life and constantly surfing his iPad while wearing an ugly Christmas sweater and sipping hot cocoa in front of a crackling fire. Since we’ll never know whose name he picked from the hat, here’s a suggestion for everyone.

Fab Melo: A Hulk jersey. Not The Avengers Hulk. The Brazilian Hulk, who scored the nation’s only goal in their 2-1 loss to Mexico at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Melo would probably still be playing his favorite sport in Brazil right now if he didn’t grow 7 feet tall and run like a duck. And Garnett nearly bought a piece of AS Roma over the summer, so we already know he’s got international soccer connections.

Kris Joseph: A rook. Not an entire chess set. But a single giant rook. As we know, KG loves unimaginatively dubbing first-year players “rooks,” and we can only imagine the smile on KG’s face as he watches the young fella quizzically unwrapping this gift.

Jared Sullinger: Either this “I love Sully” t-shirt or this “Sully is my co-pilot” mug. Likely the latter, since Garnett probably prefers Chesley Sullenberger‘s heroics to those of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Just a guess.

Avery Bradley: A pet hyena. Not a stuffed animal. A real hyena. Garnett would probably just surprise Bradley with the carnivorous beast in the bathroom — like Zach Galifinakis and Mike Tyson‘s tiger in The Hangover — just to keep the defensive prodigy on his toes for when he returns to the pack.

Jason Collins: The Patriarch: The Remarkable Life and Turbulent Times of Joseph P. Kennedy. Garnett’s a history buff; Collins roomed with Joseph P. Kennedy III at Stanford. It’s only natural. And the backup center has plenty of time on his hands at the end of the bench. In fact, KG probably makes him read the book during games.

Leandro Barbosa: Blur’s 1995 The Great Escape album. We all know Garnett’s a huge 1990′s British pop fan, and Barbosa’s nickname probably reminds him fondly of the band’s best-selling album from his rookie season. (Wait, KG’s not a British pop rock fan? Whatever do you mean?)

Chris Wilcox: A complete DVD collection of The Jeffersons. In the C’s locker room, Wilcox is “Weezy,” and I pray it has everything to do with Louise Jefferson and nothing to do with Li’l Wayne.

Courtney Lee: A Celtics bathrobe and slippers. Everyone just wants Lee to finally get comfortable in Boston and start shooting 40 percent from 3-point range again, including Garnett. It’s the thought that counts.

Jeff Green: Garnett probably hires Denis Leary to show up on Green’s doorstep to sing Christmas carols, only Leary sings “I’m an @$$hole” over and over, only to remind Green of what he wants him to be.

Jason Terry: Flying lessons. Terry’s already made every analogy related to his nickname he can imagine (“I am the JET, and I like to fly“), so he needs to take his aeronautical knowledge to another level. God forbid anything should ever happen to a pilot on the C’s team plane, but wouldn’t it be amazing if Terry could come running down the aisle screaming, “The JET is prepared for landing. No, seriously guys, I can actually land this plane.”

Brandon Bass: Big Mouth Billy Bass. No explanation necessary.

Paul Pierce: The entire Truth Project curriculum. All 13 hours dedicated to the Christian worldview would either blow Pierce’s mind or help him get to sleep at night. The man needs his rest.

Rajon Rondo: Season 6 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The one with Kris Humphries. Either that or Ocean Guided Meditation with Deepak Chopra. Hey, it worked for Garnett.

(Have a question, concern or conception for the next Irish Coffee? Send a message to @brohrbach on Twitter.)

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  • AL34

    This guy cannot hit period. Why does everybody think that because he comes to the Red Sox he is going to be great.. Reminds me of Mike Cameron, best physique in baseball and he could not hit either. Cameron was a waste of 14 million dollars another great Theo signing under the guise of pitching and defense.

  • Evan

    I’m counting on above average production out of right field this season.  It is not the gaping hole that the naysayers make it out to be.  Sweeney and Ross are both good defenders and they complement each other very nicely with their righty/lefty splits.  As far as platoons go, this one was expertly constructed by Cherington.

  • JoeFla

    Don’t think for a second that Theo didn’t orchestrate this whole thing. He knew the players and that Luchino wanted him out of town,ASAP, Cherington wanted to take over and John Henry was falling down on his yacht. 

  • towney007

    This is just a completely ridiculous slam-piece, but that’s really all it was going to be anyway.

    If Lucchino had played hardball with the compensation hearings, we’d have to read headlines about Lucchino “holding grudges, being vindictive, wanting to take revenge on Theo… how it would be unprofessional of him to stand in the way of the time honored tradition of letting an executive walk, how he’s an embarrassment to baseball,” yadda, yadda. 

    If they let Theo go and gave up most of their negotiating leverage, then it would be… basically this. ‘Red Sox are in shambles, no one communicates, they should have gotten more, Lucchino bungled this, Ben’s a puppet, etc.”Blatant, attempt to shoehorn a story to fit a pre-prescribed narrative and a way to gin up negative sentiment to get clicks because most journalists just aren’t very interesting or good writers. This is awful.

    • Dan Roach

      Yeah and so what? Why get all sentimental over Theo leaving? Sox have’t won anything in four years. Yeah the championships were great but the Sox had a serious chance to improve the team. If Luccino had a chance to stomp on the Cubs’ and Theo’s dick and demand a high value player/prospect in return, he should have held out no matter what. It’s business never personal.

  • Wchobbs42

    In essence,the Sox screwed themselves big time! The NEW regime needs many lessons in the art of negotiation!!!

  • Pedemegonz

    I just love east coast whining. The ownership tried to buy a team; it back fired; so they basically fired Epstein. Move on and don’t worry about whether he is the 12th best player in the system. You could have had Zambrano.

    • Rpires1174

      wher did you get that info from,the ownership did try to buy a team and they did,the only problem is it was a soccer team!thats where all ther money and mindset has been ever since!!!

  • Bruinman86

    Getting anything for an executive we were ready to let go of is a victory in my mind.  Besides, he moved up in positions.  He was the GM here and nw the President of operation there.  Sounds like a step up to me.  There’s some question as to whether or not we should have gotten anything at all.  Sure, i would have loved to have fleeced the cubs for all it’s worth, but we have to be realistic. With or without Carpenter, we’re a better franchise than we were in October. Unfortunately we’re stuck with a bunch of over paid, over the hill players that Theo signed.  Had he stayed, we could have had more of those types of stupid deals.  It may be tough over the next few years having to eat some of those moronic deals, but eventually it will get better if Charrington sticks with his plan. Just my take.

    • ClarkandAddison

      Your comments are spot on bruinman! This article is silly whining & completely lacks objectivity! Hey, the Cubs paid the $3MM+ bonus that was due to Epstein from the Sox plus gave up a decent, power arm prospect … all for a guy (Epstein) they were trying to run out of town! Move on Minihane … Sheesh!

  • harmony55

    For what it’s worth, as of this morning Jonathan Mayo of MLB.com ranks Chris Carpenter eighth on his list of top Red Sox prospects:http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/prospects/watch/y2012/

    Before the compensation decision, Mayo ranked Carpenter ahead of Trey McNutt on the Cubs prospect list.

    What compensation was received for the promotions to new teams for Andy MacPhail (in 1994), Jed Hoyer, Jeff Luhnow and Jason McLeod?

    The Red Sox made out well in the compensation.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_LGMZMQ5VVG2F7E4X3OUBPRFFZM Jeff S

    Tough to hold onto the ball when you’re hands dripping chicken fat…. The Cubs were desperate to get Theo. Sox should have demanded compensation BEFORE he left. I’d write more but I have an 11 o’clock negotiation  with Larry and John. Looks like I’ll get use of the Owner’s Box for all home games in exchange for clearing Fenway of snow for the months of January & February, 2012!

  • harmony55

    It would be as easy … if not easier … to make the argument that the Cubs came out on the short end of the compensation:

    http://espn.go.com/blog/chicago/cubs/post/_/id/7958/cost-was-too-high-for-theo-compensation

    All in all, the compensation was probably fair.

    Even if the Red Sox had held out for, say, Matt Garza, the commissioner’s office probably would not have approved the proposal because the transaction would have fallen far outside the precedent set by the Andy MacPhail move in 1994.

  • Really? Really?

    Can we flip Carpenter and another PTBNL to the Rays for Andrew Friedman?

  • Reddkl

    I believe the Sox could’ve done a lot better if they didn’t let it ride so long. Sad, but it’s another bad move connected to Theo.

  • guest

    nailed it Kirk
    when Lou Piniella went to Tampa from Seattle, the cost was Randy Winn, then Tampa’s #3 hitter
    couldn’t the case be made that Theo’s much more valuable than a manager?

    • C24waring

      Really?!  Randy Winn?!  3 hitter!  HaHa.  TB sucked back then, that’s like being the smartest kid w/ downs syndrome!

  • MikhelB

    WOW… a former subordinate of Theo helped him? WOOW… well, also remember how Hoyer gave him Adrián González from the Padres for a bunch of unproven kids, the best of them, Rizzo, was a disaster in the majors. Later one, the Padres allowed Hoyer to go to Theo’s arms with the Cubs, and the first move Byrnes, the new Padres GM and former subordinate of Theo did was… to send them Rizzo because Jed Hoyer insists that he will be a superstar. And now Cherington fails to extort Theo and Hoyer? LMAO!

  • Steve

    great article and right on. Ben is a lightweight

  • skidrow01

    Get over it boston. you got what you got.and kirk if you would have won last year theo would have been the man.but you didn’t .and he left so now he wasn’t very good?plus why should comp. be given for a promotion? be thankful you got anything.plus all your front office had to do was say you can’t interview Theo, then it would have been over. but no you guys want to blame theo for your crappy sept. where it looks like everyhone dropped the ball.

  • Matt

    Just as in any trade the participants should have decided who would be involved prior to making the deal.  Both sides would now look much better in the eyes of he public and the players.  Luccino should have handled this transaction and not put Ben in an awkward position right off the bat.

  • Alref17

    WAAAAAA! kwityerbitchin..

  • What4who

    Thank you for your article.  It is an excellent example of the entitled, whiny, nonsense, that the rest of the country has come to associate with Boston sports writers.

  • Too bad

    If Lary Loco hadn’t been such a crybaby, this would have been over much sooner. If Epstein was so valuable, they should have told the Cubs he wasn’t available when they came calling. If he was that valuable, then why were they looking to send him out the door? The Red Sox had no leverage in this because this was all about sour grapes. Be happy the Red Sox got a serviceable MLB player. It’s more than they deserved.

  • Tim

    That is one funny article. He is probably going to make the 25 man roster this year. I, for one, would call that significant.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MK5TW7SZFY5PKGOYSE5SETJHYU Eddie and Pam

    Cub fan here. I must agree. Theo being announced as an employee BEFORE the compensation issue was resolved was, well, for a lack of a better word, stupid.
    It SCREAMED ” I will gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today”
    If I was the FO in Boston, I would have been keenly aware of the desire of the Cubs to secure Theo, and I would have said, ” We want Brett Jackson and that’s the price, period” Not, “Hey, you can have him and we’ll figure it all out later.”
    Epic fail……
     

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/4RF536TLW45VIFQXW752EIKZKE Edward

    Sour grapes. Luchhino promised something he had no chance of delivering, and you bought it like an idiot. Your fault for believing the crazed rantings of a scorned lover.

  • j. lackey

    Your tears bring me joy.

  • Kevin

    How does this differ from a player about to become a free agent or without arbitration years left. Their value is less.

  • Cubs Fan

    This is such nonsense. Who were you expecting? Brett Jackson? Garza? Castro?? All three would be ridiculous. There was no precedent, whatsoever, of giving up anything more than a mid-teens-ranked prospect with a high ceiling. Get over it and stop whining.
    -Cubs Fan

    ps, in the business world, when someone leaves a company for a promotion at a new company, the former doesn’t get compensation.

  • Plurb

    If Theo was so terrible you should probably have given the cubs a high ranking prospect from the Red Sox organization to get rid of him. 

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/4KLKXWD6IYNOETT3BOVQRGO4TE Joe N

    What do you think that you’re going to get for a guy that is ( here’s the main thing… wait for it… ) getting a PROMOTION? Normally when there is a promotion involved, you’re lucky if you get anything. You got a guy that was probably a little too much for someone that will never face a pitcher. The ONLY reason that Boston is pissed is because Lucchino was pissed about Epstein leaving without Lucchino being the guy that fired him. I get the impression, and I know you will correct me if I’m wrong, that Lucchino is sort of a jerk ( and I’m being kind with that word ) and somewhat of a control freak. Just be happy with Carpenter and your PTBNL and worry about the Yankees. The Cubs won’t bother you guys for at least a couple of more years, and then you’ll be able to complain about not getting the guy that shows best against the Red Sox.  

  • Justin

    Kirk, your article is wrong in many ways.  This was way more compesation than prior precedants.  And is more signifgant than anyone with knowledge should have allowed.  Carpenter was way too much compensation for the Red Sox.  Theo had one year left on his contract, and Larry L. wanted him out.  The Cubs did a favor for the Sox, and saved them another year with a lame duck GM. 

  • KEN

    you did get it 100% correct RED SOX should have just held on to Theo until they worked out the deal that is usually how it works  why they let him sign before the deal was done is beyond comprehension    the RED SOX should have gotten a top Major league picher or outfielder   MATT GARZA  was my choice   The RED SOX look totally STUPID IN THIS DEAL

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  • Highroller

    Pats drafting Bruce Irvin with one of the picks in the second, If wide out Stephen Hill falls to them at 27 they will not hesitate to draft him. 

  • Epsteins Mother

    he gets 500 ab’s then we are in trouble….that would mean Crawfords return isnt till allstar break

  • camdenme2

    The Sox did HAVE control. They weren’t strong enough to hold their position,and that’s why the Commissioners office got involved. THE JUST GAVE UP AND DEFALTED TO THE COMMISSIONER. That’s what I call WEAK!!!

  • Crime & Punishment

    Read the entire article next time before you think you are actually educated with this story.

  • Gibba1924

     You’re wrong!! All the Sox had to do was hold on to Theo until they got what they wanted …. They should have never let him walk out the door until they had a deal in hand!! But what do you expect from this new regime? The regime of trade away your two starting short stops with no real replacement?

  • Sammy Tourista

    Hey Dan, do you work in he front office? You’re wrong big guy, just wrong. Get a clue.

  • Scotti

    Not only could Theo have sued for breach of contract but the Cubs could have hired Cherington (who could not have been promoted to GM while the Sox still had Theo).   

  • Mo Charles

    Hey Patty-O, we got hosed???? Must be nice Cubs fan, haven’t won anything in like 300 years. Hahahahahahaahahah.

  • Wmeritz

    My condolences to you for being a Cubs fan!  Do not expect a World Series Title any time soon.

  • Rpires1174

    your exactly right!!

  • MikhelB

    Not true, the Yankees gave up Danny Cater and a player to be named later in exchange for Sparky Lyle, the Yankees later sent Mario Guerrero to complete the trade. A few years later Sparky was traded to the Rangers for Dave Righetti (well and a bunch of other players from both sides).

    Do you want a trade similar to the one you invented there? Only this one was real:Yankees sent Brian Bruney to the Nationals for a player to be named later, the Nationals then selected Jamie Hoffman from the Dodgers as a rule-5 draft pick; a rule-5 draftee HAS to be put in the 25 man roster, that is, he has to be all season long in the majors with the team that drafts him, this restrictions are passed to the team that acquires a draft-5 via trade. Tha Yankees received Hoffman but did not have a spot for him so by rule that player is returned to the team he was drafted from.

    In the end the Yankees traded Bruney for a draft-5 that had to be returned and they only received $25,000 dlls (because the team that drafts pays $50,000 and if they want to return him they only get half).

  • Ethan

    Keith Law’s prospect rankings are consistently off year after year. There are far better sources out there for prospect ranking, and they all have a much larger gap between teams, most having the Red Sox in the 10-12 range with the Cubs in the 18-22 range. The Red Sox system is far and away better than the Cubs system, it’s really not close.

  • ECDevils

    The reason I used Keith Law was because he has stated many times that he is very bearish on many of the Cubs top prospects. I was not trying to imply that the Cubs system was better by any means, but that a system ranked 18-22 is not necessary lousy like the author claims. The author implies that after the top 3 or 4 prospects the Cubs have nothing, which is not true. Most prospect rankings claim that the Cubs system has good depth, but it lack a lot of impact players at the higher levels.  

  • Ethan

    My apologies I misinterpreted the point you were trying to make. I definitely agree that their farm system isn’t as bad as people make it out to be, I mean it’s not great, but they have a lot of intriguing players further down in the system. Their farm system is very similar to the Sox in that they both lack top tier close to the majors talent, but have a lot of depth and players with project-ability that can shoot up the charts in the coming years.

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