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Irish Coffee: Kevin Garnett’s Secret Santa

11.30.12 at 1:05 pm ET
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WEEI’s Mut & Merloni show featured Kevin Garnett as the weekly Celtics Thursday guest, and the guys relayed a fan question about what he planned on getting Ray Allen for Christmas.

After an audible pause, Garnett said: “Absolutely nothing.”

“Nothing at all,” Merloni responded. “Not even a card. Nothing?”

“You know what?” said Garnett. “That whole situation kind of came and went. I wish Ray the best. I wish his family the best. But we have Secret Santas around here, and I want to focus on my Secret Santa.”

In terms of Quote of the Year, it’s going to be hard to top KG’s “I want to focus on my Secret Santa.” I picture Garnett picking a Celtics teammate’s name out of a hat (held extremely high by Fab Melo), guarding that secret with his life and constantly surfing his iPad while wearing an ugly Christmas sweater and sipping hot cocoa in front of a crackling fire. Since we’ll never know whose name he picked from the hat, here’s a suggestion for everyone.

Fab Melo: A Hulk jersey. Not The Avengers Hulk. The Brazilian Hulk, who scored the nation’s only goal in their 2-1 loss to Mexico at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Melo would probably still be playing his favorite sport in Brazil right now if he didn’t grow 7 feet tall and run like a duck. And Garnett nearly bought a piece of AS Roma over the summer, so we already know he’s got international soccer connections.

Kris Joseph: A rook. Not an entire chess set. But a single giant rook. As we know, KG loves unimaginatively dubbing first-year players “rooks,” and we can only imagine the smile on KG’s face as he watches the young fella quizzically unwrapping this gift.

Jared Sullinger: Either this “I love Sully” t-shirt or this “Sully is my co-pilot” mug. Likely the latter, since Garnett probably prefers Chesley Sullenberger‘s heroics to those of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Just a guess.

Avery Bradley: A pet hyena. Not a stuffed animal. A real hyena. Garnett would probably just surprise Bradley with the carnivorous beast in the bathroom — like Zach Galifinakis and Mike Tyson‘s tiger in The Hangover — just to keep the defensive prodigy on his toes for when he returns to the pack.

Jason Collins: The Patriarch: The Remarkable Life and Turbulent Times of Joseph P. Kennedy. Garnett’s a history buff; Collins roomed with Joseph P. Kennedy III at Stanford. It’s only natural. And the backup center has plenty of time on his hands at the end of the bench. In fact, KG probably makes him read the book during games.

Leandro Barbosa: Blur’s 1995 The Great Escape album. We all know Garnett’s a huge 1990’s British pop fan, and Barbosa’s nickname probably reminds him fondly of the band’s best-selling album from his rookie season. (Wait, KG’s not a British pop rock fan? Whatever do you mean?)

Chris Wilcox: A complete DVD collection of The Jeffersons. In the C’s locker room, Wilcox is “Weezy,” and I pray it has everything to do with Louise Jefferson and nothing to do with Li’l Wayne.

Courtney Lee: A Celtics bathrobe and slippers. Everyone just wants Lee to finally get comfortable in Boston and start shooting 40 percent from 3-point range again, including Garnett. It’s the thought that counts.

Jeff Green: Garnett probably hires Denis Leary to show up on Green’s doorstep to sing Christmas carols, only Leary sings “I’m an @$$hole” over and over, only to remind Green of what he wants him to be.

Jason Terry: Flying lessons. Terry’s already made every analogy related to his nickname he can imagine (“I am the JET, and I like to fly“), so he needs to take his aeronautical knowledge to another level. God forbid anything should ever happen to a pilot on the C’s team plane, but wouldn’t it be amazing if Terry could come running down the aisle screaming, “The JET is prepared for landing. No, seriously guys, I can actually land this plane.”

Brandon Bass: Big Mouth Billy Bass. No explanation necessary.

Paul Pierce: The entire Truth Project curriculum. All 13 hours dedicated to the Christian worldview would either blow Pierce’s mind or help him get to sleep at night. The man needs his rest.

Rajon Rondo: Season 6 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The one with Kris Humphries. Either that or Ocean Guided Meditation with Deepak Chopra. Hey, it worked for Garnett.

(Have a question, concern or conception for the next Irish Coffee? Send a message to @brohrbach on Twitter.)

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