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Irish Coffee: MTV destroys Teen Wolf & other NBA thoughts 11.16.10 at 11:56 am ET
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Wake up with the Celtics and your daily dose of Irish Coffee …

I’m shocked, shocked to find what MTV is doing here! Teen Wolf as a lacrosse player? If you’re going to remake one of the finest achievements in cinematic history, stay true to the story.

Teen Wolf was a basketball player, and at 5-foot-4 maybe the best pound-for-pound baller in the history of the sport. How the legendary 1985 film wasn’t nominated for an Academy Award alongside “Out of Africa”, “The Color Purple” and “Prizzi’s Honor” is beyond me.

The crescendo of the film revolved around basketball, as Michael J. Fox decided to play as just another member of his team rather than as the dominating Teen Wolf. It was downright Celtics-esque, with Fox assuming the role of Rajon Rondo (I guess that would make Shaquille O’Neal “Fat Boy”, Kevin Garnett “No. 45″, Paul Pierce as “No. 33″ and Doc Rivers “Coach Finstock”).

It’s the very essence of the C’s success of the 1980s and 2000s: Forego individual greatness for team glory.  Michael J. Fox‘s workmanlike performance in the championship is game film that every NBA coach worth his weight in championship rings should dissect with his starting point guard every offseason. And MTV is attempting to destroy it. I say: Over my dead body.

So, I give you Fox’s Rondo-like effort in the infamous “Win in the End” montage …

YOUR DAILY SHAQ UPDATE

Believe it or not, Shaquille O’Neal made news again. It’s why he made WEEI.com’s Most Interesting Person in Boston Sports list.

In an interview with USA Today, Shaq discussed — among other things — his pre-retirement home and why he joined the “old and musty” Celtics …

“It’s nice and peaceful,” he said of living in Sudbury. “It’s good for an old man to just chill out. I’ve got a nice little chair. I see wild turkeys and fox and coyotes on my grass. I’m loving it.”

Can’t you just picture Shaq, sipping a warm cup of cocoa out on his porch, rocking back and forth in his rocking chair, looking out on his Sudbury farm? Perhaps he thinks of how the Celtics defeated his Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference semifinals last season …

“Kevin kicked it to Paul, Paul kicked it to Ray. They played liked a team,” O’Neal said. “They have three first-ballot Hall of Famers on the team. They didn’t care who had all the points. It was beautiful to watch.”

Boston Celtics Shaquille O'Neal as Shaq-A-Claus helps marines load a truck after shopping for toys for the toys for tots program providing Marines with gifts to distribute to local kids in need in Framingham, Mass. Sunday Nov. 14, 2010.

Shaquille O'Neal volunteers for the Toys for Tots program on Sunday in Framingham. (AP)

Or perhaps, as he did in the USA Today article, he considers the irony of finishing his career in Boston for a team he once called “old and musty” 1y years ago in the book “Shaq Attaq!” …

“What comes around goes around,” said O’Neal. “Now, I’m old and musty.”

I think I could listen to Shaq’s thoughts from his “nice little chair” on his Sudbury farm all day long. May I suggest a podcast, a la Franklin D. Roosevelt‘s fireside chats? It would be a constant stream of gems on basketball, politics and life, like this response to a question about why NBA players don’t want to play in Canada from a recent interview with AskMen.com.

“It’s the double taxes that deter players from going there. Also [Chris] Bosh obviously couldn’t handle the pressure, so he had to go join two other people to help him out. Listen to what I tell you: Toronto is in the top three NBA cities for every NBA player. Trust me on that, brother.”

HOW TO STOP RAJON RONDO?

NBA Playbook believes the Dallas Mavericks discovered the blueprint for stopping Rondo. The reasoning? Dallas forced the C’s into their “worst shooting game (in terms of eFG%), worst performance when it came to getting to the line (7.7 FTR), worst shooting performance at the rim, and the least amount of 3-pointers attempted.”

It seems counterintuitive to think that the blueprint for stopping Rondo was executed in a game where he finished with 11 points, 15 assists and six rebounds, but NBA Playbook has its reasons –accompanied by video evidence. Without further ado …

SAGGED OFF RONDO/CHASED DEFENDERS: The Mavericks chased Boston’s shooters around screens and challenge shots hard. … This was a theme during this game. Boston averages around 13.5 3s per game this year; they took eight against Dallas.

Is there a team out there that doesn’t try to chase shooters around screens and challenge shots hard? And if there is, wouldn’t that just be bad defense? Challenging shots is the most fundamental defensive strategy out there.

SWITCHING SCREENS: The Mavericks did a whole lot of switching on screens with the goal being to keep Rondo out of the lane. … Most teams tend to go under screens rather than switch, because they don’t want to have to deal with mismatches. One of the reasons the Mavericks were able to switch screens is that they have Jason Kidd as their starting point guard. Kidd isn’t the fastest guy, but he’s big enough that when they switch there isn’t really a mismatch.

Doesn’t this depend on who Kidd is switching with? Sure, if Allen sets the pick, Kidd and DeShawn Stevenson could switch and avoid a mismatch. But if Garnett is setting the pick, that creates two mismatches: the bigger KG rolling to the basket against the smaller Kidd and the quicker Rondo on the perimeter against the slower Dirk Nowitzki.

TEAM EFFORT: Most teams play off of Rondo, and they don’t really commit double teams or other defenders to him. Since the Mavericks’ main focus was to keep Rondo out of the lane, they were willing to send multiple defenders at him to do so, and it worked out for the Mavs.

Double-teaming Rondo on his way into the lane is exactly what Rondo is hoping for — somebody open for an assist opportunity. If defenders sag from the wings, that leaves one of two 44 percent 3-point shooters (Allen or Pierce) open. If defenders step up from the post, that leaves either Garnett or O’Neal open for a lob opportunity.

In fact, the first video example of this strategy leaves a wide-open Garnett under the basket. While KG might’ve missed that attempt, I’m sure the Celtics will take an open layup every time.

FORCING THE PASSBACK: Because of the Mavericks’ team effort when trying to keep Rondo out of the lane, they have to give up something else. What they were willing to give up was the pass back to the elbow/foul line area.

As NBA Playbook notes, this strategy leaves guys like Garnett and Glen Davis open at the top of the key, and those two were a combined 6-of-11 from there in the Mavericks game.

All I’m saying is that the blueprint for stopping Rondo — and as a result the Celtics — is playing good, solid defense on the rest of the Celtics. Challenging outside shots, properly defending the pick and roll, keeping guys out of the lane and forcing big men to shoot jump shots isn’t a blueprint for stopping Rondo. It’s a blueprint for stopping any NBA team.

LAYUP DRILL

Former Celtics minority owner Joe Lacob and his partner MacGruber — oh, sorry, Peter Guber — have high expectations for their new team, the Golden State Warriors:

“The Celtics and the Lakers have fantastic histories, but there is no reason in the world that we can’t be as successful as those teams,” Lacob told the San Francisco Chronicle. “There is no reason that we can’t turn this into a championship contender.”

All Lacob expects is that the Warriors adopt the defense of the Celtics and the “Showtime” offense of the Lakeers. You know, no big deal. Sounds like a job for MacGruber rather than Gruber. …

Celtics team physician Dr. Brian McKeon is tempering Kendrick Perkins‘ expectations to return at full strength after six months, a la Wes Welker:

“He is looking great,” McKeon told ESPN.com. “He’s keeping his weight down. He’s sticking to the proper diet. But it was a major surgery, and I always tell athletes that it could be 18 months before it’s the best that it can be.”

In Marc Stein‘s latest Power Rankings for ESPN.com, the C’s moved into the No. 1 spot — ahead of the unbeaten New Orleans Hornets and two-time defending champion Lakers. The reasoning? “The Celts’ only two losses came on the road on the second night of a back-to-back.” …

Not their finest effort, but any time The Onion takes on the Celtics it’s worth checking out. This time, they parodied Garnett and his defensive intensity:

“This is my house! You hear me? Mine! This is where I watch my TV and eat my cereal! Where I eat cereal every day!”

Finally, this YouTube clip on the value of the free throw handshake — courtesy of the Minnesota Timberwolves’ Kevin Love and Wes Johnson — is solid gold …

(Have a question, concern or conception for tomorrow’s Irish Coffee? Send a message to @brohrbach on Twitter.)

Read More: Boston Celtics, NBA, Rajon Rondo, Shaquille O'Neal
Irish Coffee: Shaq doing best Perk impression 11.15.10 at 10:30 am ET
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Wake up with the Celtics and your daily dose of Irish Coffee …

Off the court, Shaquille O’Neal has been everything Celtics fans could’ve expected — and more. Sunday’s trip as Shaq-A-Claus to Toys-R-Us in Framingham and his performance of “Where Everybody Knows Your Name” at Cheers in downtown Boston are just two examples.

On the court? Forget Shaqeeta. O’Neal’s best impression has been of Kendrick Perkins. Shaq has been as good a replacement for the injured Perkins as the Celtics could’ve found.

Through 10 games, the C’s (8-2) are exactly where they were with Perkins in 2009-10. Defensively, with Perkins in the lineup, the 2009-10 Celtics ranked fifth in the NBA in points allowed per 100 possessions (103.8); this fall, they rank sixth (101.7). With Perk in ’09-10, the C’s ranked 25th in rebounding differential (-1.5); this season, they’re 16th (+0.3).

Sure, some of that success can be attributed to Kevin Garnett‘s health, but Shaq should get some credit, too, as a worthy replacement for Perkins in five starts so far this season.

Take a look at the 2010-11 per-minute averages for Shaq vs. Perk’s numbers in 2009-10 (bolded statistics indicate an advantage) …

  • ’10-11 SHAQ: 0.46 points, 0.27 rebounds, 0.03 assists, 0.02 blocks, 0.02 steals, 0.09 turnovers and 0.18 personal fouls
  • ’09-10 PERK: 0.37 points, 0.28 rebounds, 0.04 assists, 0.06 blocks, 0.01 steals, 0.08 turnovers and 0.10 personal fouls

However, Shaq has not been capable of matching Perkins’ minutes. Shaq has averaged 21.2 minutes in his five starts this season – 76.8 percent of the 27.6 minutes per game Perk played last year. Even playing 6.4 fewer minutes per game, Shaq has been able to produce a solid Perkins impersonation, as evidenced by their per-game averages …

  • ’10-11 SHAQ: 9.8 points, 5.8 rebounds, 0.6 assists, 0.4 blocks, 0.4 steals, 1.8 turnovers and 3.8 personal fouls
  • ’09-10 PERK: 10.1 points, 7.6 rebounds, 1.0 assists, 1.7 blocks, 0.3 steals, 2.1 turnovers and 2.8 personal fouls

Essentially, because Shaq has played so well, when he plays the C’s only need to make up 6.4 minutes of Perkins’ production at the center spot in order to provide some semblance of the starting five that has reached the NBA Finals in two of the last three seasons. It’s safe to say that in spurts Glen Davis, Semih Erden and Jermaine O’Neal have been able to pick up that slack.

So far, at least, the Celtics have not missed Perkins, especially when Shaq has started in his place. That means two things for the Celtics going forward: 1) If Shaq remains healthy — and that’s a big if — it will allow Perkins to take his time regaining full strength; and 2) With both Shaq and Perk, the C’s could be a better team than the one that reached the 2008 and 2010 NBA Finals.

Boston Celtics' Kendrick Perkins, left, sits with teammate Shaquille O'Neal during practice in Waltham, Mass. Monday, Oct. 25, 2010. The Celtics open the season Tuesday against the Miami Heat.

Shaquille O'Neal (right) and Kendrick Perkins could form a dangerous combination. (AP)

JERMAINE O’NEAL & PERKINS SHARE THE LOVE

Prior to Jermaine O’Neal’s arrival in Boston, he and Perkins weren’t exactly best buddies. However, the moment they became teammates, any beef between them fell by the wayside. Jessica Camerato detailed their relationship this season …

“I just wanted to let him know it’s on the court, it’s not outside of that,” explained Perkins. “I’m a great teammate, but when you’re on the other team, I’m really going at your head. But I wanted to show him there isn’t any tension outside of basketball, no beef or nothing, and just kind of welcome him with open arms.”

I especially enjoyed Doc Rivers‘ take, which explains in part how quickly the C’s have been able to incorporate new bodies into a championship-contending system …

“We don’t like anybody on the other team,” Rivers said. “The outside guy is always a little iffy when he comes to our team, especially if we’ve had it in with him. But then they find out, wow this is the greatest group. They get along great. So that’s what’s happened already. … Once you’re on our team, you’re part of our group.”

As Shaq said in the same article, “Here there’s just one language — win, win, win, championship, championship, championship. And that’s all that we talk about.”

2010-11 HEAT CAN’T MIRROR ’07-08 CELTICS

While the Celtics have seamlessly incorporated new talent into an already existing system, the Miami Heat has struggled to establish a new system with all their new talent. In a Miami Herald piece, Rivers compared the Heat’s task with the one he faced three seasons ago …

“It’s the exact same thing, and I think everyone goes through it to some extent,” said Rivers, who added that this year’s Celtics are experiencing similar problems. “The more guys you add — the more key guys you add — the first year for us, our Big 3 were in each other’s way at times early because no one wanted to do too much.”

Rivers said he had to have “a big summit early in the year” to explain everyone’s role on the team. [Kevin] Garnett was named the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year that season.

“Kevin was so key to us — and in some ways, [Chris] Bosh is doing the same things — but Kevin can take 20 shots or one shot and it won’t affect his day at all,” Rivers said.

“He’s unselfish to a fault at times.”

Rivers said the 2007-08 championship team began the season with a slightly different dynamic than the Heat because the Celtics’ stars were older and “they were at the point in their careers where they had to solidify their careers and that made it easier for me.”

I think Rivers was being kind when he said Bosh is doing the same things this season as KG did in 2007-08. There’s simply no way Bosh is going to be the Defensive Player of the Year this season.

In his weekly mailbag, Sports Illustrated’s Ian Thomsen took on the same issue. In his eyes, the C’s two straight victories over the Heat this season should help the Big Three forego their egos in favor of the unselfishness that allowed the Celtics to thrive three years ago …

This isn’t about improving their skills; it’s about deepening their wisdom. When Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen united in Boston, they understood intuitively the demands of coach Doc Rivers to alter their games in order to fit together, because each of them had gone year after year after year of losing in the playoffs. They were all in their 30s and they were ready to change.

But these players in Miami haven’t been humbled enough in their previous careers — if they had been forced to accept that humility, they never would have gone upon that stage and behaved so naively last July.

DOC NOT A FAN OF TWITTER

Speaking of the spectacle that was Miami’s Big Three this offseason, Rivers commented on Pierce’s “It’s been a pleasure to bring my talents to South Beach” tweet following the C’s victory this past Thursday night …

“I didn’t get laughs out of that stuff; I really don’t like that stuff,” said Rivers. “I don’t care one way or another but I don’t think you need to say anything. It’s a long season. It’s a good (dig) but I’m not a fan of all that stuff.”

I like how Rivers says he didn’t like it, and then says it’s a good dig. He may not be encouraging it, but he’s certainly not discouraging it, either.

(Have a question, concern or conception for tomorrow’s Irish Coffee? Send a message to @brohrbach on Twitter.)

Read More: Boston Celtics, Jermaine O'Neal, Kendrick Perkins, NBA
Preview: Celtics at Grizzlies 11.13.10 at 10:00 am ET
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In advance of Saturday night’s game between the Celtics (7-2) and Grizzlies (4-5) in Memphis (8 p.m.), we caught up with Chip Crain at the “3 Shades of Blue” blog. He answered our six most pressing questions on a young Grizzlies team …

Memphis Grizzlies' Marc Gasol (33), of Spain, O.J. Mayo (32), and Zach Randolph, back, show their frustration after a turnover during the first overtime of an NBA basketball game against the Phoenix Suns Friday, Nov. 5, 2010. The Suns defeated the Grizzlies 123-118 in double overtime.

Marc Gasol (33), O.J. Mayo (32) and Zach Randolph look to improve upon a 40-42 season a year ago. (AP)

1. The Grizzlies took a big step forward as a team last year. Do you expect them to take another one this season?

Well, we can always hope that the maturation of the team alone will be enough to get them over the hump, but honestly that’s about all the team has.

Will it be improved? Yes, I think they will. Will it be enough? It doesn’t look like it to me.

The problem with the Grizzlies is not their starting five but the bench. They simply  are too inexperienced off the bench, even with Tony Allen in the fold. Xavier Henry, Darrell Arthur and even Hasheem Thabeet have shown some promise, but they aren’t ready to contribute, which puts too much of a strain on the starters to see it lasting for 82 games.

2. What’s the general feeling on Rudy Gay in Memphis? Does his new contract affect the way fans feel about him?

People complained about Rudy Gay‘s contract when he signed it, but no one is complaining now. Rudy has always had a ton of talent, but for the first time he seems to be applying it to more than just scoring.

Rudy is somewhat popular in Memphis — more than Pau Gasol was when he was here but less than Zach Randolph is now.

3. Has the play of Marc Gasol helped fans get over the Pau Gasol trade? Or is there still bitterness?

Yes and no. Marc Gasol‘s play has won over many fans, but people still believe that the Grizzlies could have gotten more. After all, no one would trade Pau for Marc straight up. The Grizzlies got Javaris Crtittenton (out of the league), the draft pick that brought in Darrell Arthur and the draft pick that became Greivis Vasquez in the deal, so talent-wise the city is still sore about the trade.

However, that trade also allowed the Grizzlies to acquire Zach Randolph with the cap space, so Arthur, Randolph, Vasquez and Marc in return for Pau was a great trade in Memphians eyes.

Of course, it’s still a sore subject for the fans of teams that thought their team would have won the title if the Lakers hadn’t gotten Pau.

4. Chris Wallace became a bit of a punchline in Boston after his deal for Vin Baker. How do Grizzlies fans feel about him?

Chris Wallace is very fortunate. His owner has made so many blunders no one has really focused on the poor decisions Wallace has made. Everyone points at Michael Heisley making the calls and forgets who’s whispering in his ear.

Thabeet was a horrible pick that Wallace was against (if you believe the rumors) but Heisley insisted on. That got Wallace off the hook. The problem is that DeMarre Carroll was Wallace’s pick, and he didn’t get his third-year option picked up. Wallace passed on DeJuan Blair three times, and now the team is thin at power forward.

Arthur’s fast start this season has made people forget what a disappointment he’s been his first two seasons, and Conley’s fast start has helped him avoid criticism on that deal. The Kevin Love for O.J. Mayo trade has been a financial noose around the team’s neck as well, with the Grizzlies still owing Marco Jaric money while he babysits Adriana Lima‘s child. Mayo straight up for Love would be questionable now, and with the bad contracts the Grizzlies ate to acquire Mayo it looks really bad to me.

5. What’s a realistic expectation for Tony Allen this year?

I see his upside as starting shooting guard to allow Mayo to move to the bench as the designated scorer, while Allen becomes the defensive stopper in the starting rotation. The downside is he loses his playing time to Henry and Sam Young, and he joins the list of questionable Wallace moves I just mentioned.

Realistically, he should be one of the guys off the bench who contributes on some nights and never gets into games on other nights.  

6. Is Hasheem Thabeet a bust, or is there still hope?

There is always hope, but the buzzards are circling just the same.

Read More: Boston Celtics, Marc Gasol, Memphis Grizzlies, NBA
Irish Coffee: Top 5 LeBron James parodies 11.12.10 at 11:59 am ET
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Wake up with the Celtics and your daily dose of Irish Coffee …

If you haven’t heard by now, Paul Pierce mocked LeBron James‘ “Decision” on Twitter last night, saying, “It’s been a pleasure to bring my talents to south beach now on to Memphis.” Inspired by The Truth, this Friday version of Irish Coffee gives you the top five parodies of Lebron’s ridiculous offseason antics …

1. LeBron, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade form “New World Order”

2. Steve Carell reveals his “The Office” decision

3. Cleveland fans mock LeBron’s Nike commercial

4. Hitler from “Inglourious Basterds” reacts to  LeBron’s decision

5. “South Park” spoofs LeBron’s Nike commercial

REACTIONS FROM MIAMI

I love it when not-so-great sports cities are thrust into the limelight. Everybody gets a little too big for their britches, as it pertains to their place in the sports universe — kinda like when the “Jersey Shore” folks became overnight sensations.

Miami Heat forward LeBron James argues after he was called for fouling Boston Celtics guard Rajon Rondo during the second half of an NBA basketball game Thursday, Nov. 11, 2010, in Miami. The Celtics defeated the Heat 112-107.

LeBron James and the Heat have a long way to go to compete with the Celtics and Lakers. (AP)

Take this, for example, from the Miami Herald on Friday morning:

“Miami vs. Boston could someday be up there with Knicks-Heat, Bulls-Knicks, Pistons-Bulls, Spurs-Mavericks, perhaps even – with a lot of seasoning — Lakers-Celtics.”

Um, no it couldn’t. The Lakers-Celtics rivalry has 60 years of tradition behind it. Those two teams have more championships (33) than the number of years Miami has been in the league (22).

Actually, I take that back, if the Heat win the next 16 championships, then yes, Celtics-Heat could become like Celtics-Lakers. Sorry.

Then, I noticed this throwaway line at the end of another Miami Herald article:

About the only player who responded exactly how we would’ve expected was captain Udonis Haslem.

 Wait, what?!?! Udonis Haslem is their captain? Shouldn’t Wade be the captain? Does this mean that not one of the Big Three is a true leader? I’m confused.

MONDO RONDO

Two fomer Celtics beat writers — Jackie MacMullan and Marc Spears — took on the topic of Rajon Rondo. First, from Jackie Mac:

Rondo: “But if they put LeBron on me, who guards Paul? Who guards Ray?”

This is precisely why I don’t subscribe to the belief that Miami doesn’t need a point guard, because LeBron and Wade can assume the offensive load. That raises two questions for me: 1) If that’s the case, why have a point guard like Carlos Arroyo or Mario Chalmers on the floor? and 2) Who assumes the defensive load, because those guys can’t guard the point and the 2 or 3?

From the same article, Doc Rivers explains the difference in Rondo from last season to this one:

“Last year, or even the year before they would just get a rebound and throw it to the nearest guy. We’re telling everyone to get the ball to Rondo and let him do what he does. The trust they have in him is unbelievable.”

And Erik Spoelstra calls Rondo the best passer in the league:

“Rondo is as a unique a point guard as has been in this league for a long time. He’s so fast. He gets the overwhelming majority of his plays in random, unscripted situations. It’s his creativity and speed that separates him. You are talking about the best passer, arguably, in the game. If you try to body up and play him at half court, you are playing with fire.”

My interpretation from what these coaches told Jackie Mac? Rondo’s extraordinarily high assist totals might not slow down. If the Celtics are getting the ball into his hands more often in transition (i.e., unscripted situations), that explains the significant rise in assists.

Is it realistic to expect Rondo’s increase in assists to persist? Marc Spears asked the source:

“Last year, seven and eight assists were good for me,” Rondo said. “Now, people are expecting me to get 15 or 16 every night. I don’t know if it’s realistic, but I’m going to continue to try as long as guys make shots.”

DO THE CELTICS GET FAVORABLE CALLS?

Some guy over at the Bleacher Report decided to express his frustration about how he believes the Celtics get far too many calls, leading to their success.

Ah, not to excrement on your point, but I think the discrepancies in free throws in the Celtics’ last two games (13 fewer attempts against the Mavericks and 16 fewer against the Heat) — not to mention the 2010 NBA Finals (the C’s shot 57 fewer free throws in the series) — beg to differ.

(Have a question, concern or conception for tomorrow’s Irish Coffee? Send a message to @brohrbach on Twitter.)

Read More: Boston Celtics, LeBron James, Miami Heat, NBA
NBA Power Rankings, 11/11 11.11.10 at 5:54 pm ET
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Los Angeles Lakers1. LA Lakers (8-0): Phil Jackson said this Lakers team is not as good as the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls team that won an NBA record 72 games because of defense. Still, they’re pretty darn good, or so says their league-leading unbeaten record and 12.5 point differential.

New Orleans Hornets2. New Orleans (7-0): The Hornets have played the toughest schedule in the NBA and remain undefeated. I don’t think there’s anybody outside the New Orleans area that would’ve predicted that. But since Chris Paul is back to his MVP form from three years ago, anything can happen.

Boston Celtics3. Boston (6-2): The Hornets played their way into the No. 2 spot, rather than the Celtics playing their way out of it. I came hardly blame the Celtics for a two-point loss to the Mavericks on the road. The health of the O’Neal Bros. could catch up to the C’s, but it hasn’t quite yet.

San Antonio Spurs4. San Antonio (6-1): The Spurs just keep on winning. They’re reliable like that. They still have just one loss, and it’s to the Hornets. Believe it or not, Tim Duncan is the fourth leading scorer in San Antonio, where their average of 106.7 points per game ranks fourth in the league.

Dallas Mavericks5. Dallas (5-2): The Mavericks rank third in the Southwest Division but fifth overall. Talk about tough. Dirk Nowitzki is still a top-1o player (top five?), and he said the Tyson Chandler/Brendan Haywood center tandem is the best he’s seen in Dallas. Oh, and they’re actually playing defense.

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Irish Coffee: Kendrick Perkins’ NBA secrets 11.11.10 at 10:22 am ET
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Wake up with the Celtics and your daily dose of Irish Coffee …

Celtics center Kendrick Perkins may be out for the first few months because of his ACL injury, but that doesn’t mean he can’t offer advice on how to guard the NBA‘s elite post players, like the Miami Heat’s Chris Bosh.

In a recent Dime Magazine article, Perkins discussed his strategy …

“Very skilled face-up guy, but he’s not a physical player. I try to push him off the block and play him physical. He’s gonna score a few, but you can’t get frustrated by that. Just stay focused. You’d rather him hit you for 18 points than for 40 points.”

Given the physical play of Kevin Garnett, perhaps that’s why he was able to hold Bosh to eight points on 3-of-11 shooting in their first meeting this season. Yet another matchup to watch tonight (we covered Rondo vs. Arroyo on Tuesday).

Perkins also discussed his game plan against Pau Gasol, Dwight Howard, Yao Ming, former teammate Al Jefferson and current teammate Shaquille O’Neal

“I’ve been playing against Old Shaq, so I don’t know what it was like when he was younger. He’s kinda like Dwight [Howard], but not as athletic. He can’t really finish over the top no more, so you just keep a body between him and the rim.”

Throughout the discussion, Perkins is brutally honest, saying of Jefferson, “I don’t think he’s a great passer.” Great, great stuff.

The same author is also responsible for the magazine’s power rankings. Somehow, the Heat (No. 3) are ranked three slots higher than the Celtics (No. 6), despite the C’s better record and head-to-head victory. Hmmm …

Boston Celtics center Kendrick Perkins, right, and Cleveland Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal, left, push off each other on a rebound during the first half of Game 4 in a second-round NBA basketball playoff series Sunday, May 9, 2010, in Boston.

Shaquille O'Neal (left) and Kendrick Perkins no longer have to battle on the court. (AP)

SHAQ FOOL

The never-ending stream of entertainment that comes from having Shaquille O’Neal in town just keeps flowing.

Shaq and Sports Illustrated’s Jimmy Traina sat down for a Q&A to discuss comedy. Here are a few things we learned …

  • Garnett is the funniest player in the NBA.
  • “Best prank I pulled was on Lou Amundson in Phoenix. I took a Snickers bar, put it in some water to get it real brown and wet and put it in my hand. [When he] came off the bench to go in the game, he had on white shorts, I rubbed it all over his shorts and said ‘good game, bro,’ so when he was running on the court he thought he s#@! himself.”
  • Shaqeeta is done.
  • He wants to become the next “The Rock” in the movie business and star alongside Denzel Washington, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt.
  • His favorite “Yo Mamma” joke: “Yo Mamma is so nasty her crabs have crabs.”
  • The Big Aristotle is the best name he’s given himself.
  • His top five comedy movies of all-time: “Don’t Be a Menace To South Central While Drinking Juice in the Hood”, “Harlem Nights”, “Life”, “Me, Myself and Irene” and “Step Brothers”.

Shaq did the SI Q&A to promote an online video series for Power Balance where he interviews himself. It’s the funniest thing he’s ever done. Here’s a great exchange …

Shaq1: “So, you and Kobe [Bryant] finally made nice?”
Shaq2: “Who?”
Shaq1: “Did he get you a diamond ring?”
Shaq2: “I don’t accept diamond rings from guys.”
Shaq1: “Well, you should, because then you would have five rings, too, stupid.”

I also enjoyed Shaq asking himself, “What page were you on of the ‘Kazaam’ script when you called your agent and said, ‘I’m in’?” Hilarious.

O’Neal is also promoting his second annual “Join Shaq, Give Back” holiday campaign. As Shaq-a-Claus, he is encouraging “shoppers to donate new, unwrapped toys and cash in Toys-R-Us and Babies-R-Us stores nationwide and online at ToysRUs.com/ToysforTots.”

“My parents always encouraged me to give back to those less fortunate, and ever since I made it to the NBA, I’ve been visiting Toys-R-Us stores during the holiday season to buy gifts for kids in need,” O’Neal said. “As a father myself, I know firsthand how magical it is for a child to open a gift on Christmas morning.”

Since Oct. 31, the program has raised $366,139. Great stuff all-around off the court. Now, if only he could get back on the court.

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Read More: Boston Celtics, Chris Bosh, Kendrick Perkins, Kevin Garnett
Irish Coffee: Why Miami is a fifth seed 11.10.10 at 1:53 pm ET
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Wake up with the Celtics and your daily dose of Irish Coffee …

The offseason’s biggest hype — How far can the Big Three (LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh) carry the Miami Heat? – has now become the regular season’s biggest question — How far can the Little Two (Carlos Arroyo and Joel Anthony) drag down the Heat?

After Utah’s 116-114 overtime win Tuesday night against the Heat, the writing is on the wall: Miami needs point guard and post help — STAT. If the Heat don’t get it, should they meet, the Celtics will beat them in the NBA playoffs.

So far, the Heat are 0-3 against elite point guards (Rajon Rondo, Chris Paul and Deron Williams). That trio averaged 12.7 points and 16.7 assists — producing 46.1 points per game — against Arroyo, who averaged just 5.3 points and 1.0 assists (producing 7.3 points) in those three games. From the point guard position alone, the Heat essentially started each game in a 39-point hole.

Overall, in the Heat’s eight games, Arroyo is averaging 5.6 fewer points and 6.3 fewer assists (18.2 fewer points produced) than his point guard counterpart. You know it’s bad when Devin Harris totals six points and one assist — and outplays you. Thursday night’s game against Rondo isn’t going to help, either.

Take a look at Arroyo’s production against Miami opponents’ primary point guard:

  • Arroyo: 3 points-0 rebounds-0 assists; Rondo: 4-5-17
  • Arroyo: 6-3-1; Louis Williams: 15-1-7
  • Arroyo: 7-4-4; Jameer Nelson: 10-3-1
  • Arroyo: 12-5-4; Harris: 13-1-6
  • Arroyo: 8-6-3; Sebastian Telfair: 13-1-1
  • Arroyo: 0-1-1; Paul: 13-2-19
  • Arroyo: 4-1-0; Harris: 6-2-1
  • Arroyo: 10-0-2; Deron Williams: 21-4-14
  • Total: 50-19-16; Opponents: 95-19-66
  • Average: 6.3-2.4-2.0; Opponents: 11.9-2.4-8.3

Things get far worse in Miami when you factor in the center position. Joel Anthony is averaging just 1.9 points and 4.3 rebounds in eight games. He’s scored only 15 points in 145 minutes this season. His counterparts?  Oh, they’re only averaging 14.5 points and 7.4 rebounds against him.

Take a look at Anthony’s production against the primary center for Miami’s opponent on that given night:

  • Anthony: 2 points-7 rebounds-1 assist; Glen Davis: 13-5-0
  • Anthony: 0-3-0; Elton Brand: 12-9-0
  • Anthony: 0-4-0; Dwight Howard: 19-7-0
  • Anthony: 1-3-2; Brook Lopez: 20-5-1
  • Anthony: 4-5-0; Nikola Pekovic: 12-8-0
  • Anthony: 2-5-0; Emeka Okafor: 26-13-1
  • Anthony: 2-2-0; Lopez: 12-3-2
  • Anthony: 4-5-0; Al Jefferson: 2-9-2
  • Total: 15-34-3; Opponents: 116-59-6
  • Average: 1.9-4.3-0.4; Opponents: 14.5-7.4-0.8

Because of how putrid Arroyo and Anthony have been this season, the remaining members of the Heat have to make up an average of 18.2 points per game. They might be capable of that if Bosh wasn’t also being outplayed.

On average, after being dominated by Paul Millsap Tuesday night, Bosh has been outscored by his counterparts by 1.7 points and out-rebounded by 1.1 boards per game. See how he’s fared against opponents:

  • Bosh: 8 points-8 rebounds-2 assists; Kevin Garnett: 10-10-3
  • Bosh: 15-7-1; Thaddeus Young: 15-3-1
  • Bosh: 11-10-1; Rashard Lewis: 2-3-0
  • Bosh: 18-1-2; Derrick Favors: 13-13-1
  • Bosh: 13-6-2; Kevin Love: 20-6-1
  • Bosh: 15-1-1; David West: 15-7-0
  • Bosh: 21-5-2; Favors: 11-5-0
  • Bosh: 17-9-3; Millsap: 46-9-1
  • Total: 118-47-14; Opponents: 132-56-7
  • Average: 14.8-5.9-1.8; Opponents: 16.5-7.0-0.9

What does all this mean? Every game, the Heat are essentially trailing 20-0 before the first whistle. That’s a big hole for James and Wade to dig out of each night. They must be muttering, “You’re killing me, Smalls,” more than Ham did in “Sandlot.”

The worse news for the Heat? There isn’t much out there to replace those guys. Is signing people like Rashad McCants or Robert Swift to the veteran minimum going to help? Honestly, I’m not sure it could get any worse.

The other option is for Miami to seek a trade, but who do they have to deal? Udonis Haslem is the only guy who would garner any interest. And it’s not like they can get someone else’s salary dump, because they don’t have the salaries in return to make the numbers match up.

Basically, they are what they are until next offseason. So, what are they? I’m thinking a No. 5 seed behind the Celtics, Magic, Bulls and Hawks.

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