“The black mamba is the world’s most deadliest snake: One bite and you’re dead. The white mamba is the world’s most dormant snake: He just chills; he just watches and chills.” Clearly, Brian Scalabrine is the Kobe Bryant of broadcasting. It’s about time someone starts breaking down real NBA issues like this. (h/t Beyond the Buzzer)

Perhaps the most impressive aspect of the Celtics’ Game 3 dismantling of the Sixers was their ability to make 22-of-28 free throws — including 11-of-14 from a Paul Pierce determined to get his points any way possible — in the face of true adversity: Philly Fat Albert doing the truffle shuffle (h/t @GethinCoolbaugh).

“Paul is just a grinder,” Celtics coach Doc Rivers told reporters in Philadelphia after his team’s most complete performance of the playoffs, a 107-91 victory that gave his team a 2-1 Eastern Conference semifinals lead. “He really is. You look at him at times and you wonder, ‘How is this guy getting open?’ He just has great fundamentals. He never does it with speed. He just knows how to play basketball.

“He’s a throwback guy,” added Rivers. “He just knows how to play basketball. We jokingly call him our ‘professional scorer,’ and that’s what he is in a lot of ways. … I think guys like Paul and the Kobe [Bryants], they have something in their minds that just makes them who they are.”

Even if it means staring at 400 pounds of Philly flesh full of cheesesteaks and pretzels. (Well, there is a lot of culture there.) In all seriousness, here’s five stats that make the C’s performance that much more remarkable.

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Tuesday’s Media Day marked the official unveiling of the 2011-12 Celtics at their practice facility in Waltham. Some familiar faces. Some new ones. Here are the top 10 highlights from what was a tame afternoon compared to the Shaquille O’Neal hoopla from a year ago.

10. BACK TO SCHOOL: After finishing six courses during the fall and summer semesters at Georgetown, Celtics forward Jeff Green is just two classes away from finishing a major in English and a minor in theology. He plans on completing his degree in the summer to become the first member of his family to earn a college diploma.

“It’s something I can cross off my bucket list,” he said, adding that a diploma and an NBA championship trophy would be comparable achievements to place on his mantle.

Asked if he could avoid being seen in lectures, Green smiled and said, “I’m 6-9. I can’t hide.”

9. GRUMPY OLD MEN: Since beating Ray Allen in the NBA’s 3-point contest last season, Celtics captain Paul Pierce has a new challenge for his teammate: Who can have the longest career?

Pierce, 34, called the “42-year-old” Allen (he’s 36) an inspiration to play five more years, and then referred reporters to his website PaulPierce.net/TruthonHealth for any questions. Green wasn’t the only one learning during the lockout; Pierce is apparently now a marketing expert.

8. SUPER SIZE ME: We all remember the Shawn Kemps and Vin Bakers of the 1999 lockout — the guys who showed up to training camp so out of shape their bodies never fully recovered. Allen remembers, too.

“There were some guys back in ’99, when you saw them, it was like, ‘Holy cow, this guy was on vacation for the last three months, didn’t do a thing, didn’t pick up a basketball or a weight,’” Allen said. “And that’s not the case in this locker room. We knew it, because we have too many strong-minded individuals.”

Allen had a front-row seat for Baker’s transformation from a guy who averaged 19.2 points and 8.0 rebounds for their Sonics the season before to 13.8 points and 6.2 rebounds after the last lockout-shortened season. Naturally, the Celtics traded for Baker four seasons later.

“Every day I sat around the house,” said Allen, “I was like, ‘I gotta go work out, because I don’t want to be that guy.’”

7. TOP CHEF: Celtics forward Kevin Garnett cracked one smile during Media Day, when analogizing team chemistry to the culinary arts. “Chemistry is something that you just don’t throw in the frying pan, mix it up with another something, throw something on top of that, then fry it up, put in a tortilla, put in a microwave and heat it up, and then give it to you and expect it to taste good,” he said. “For those who can cook, y’all know what I’m talking about. If y’all don’t know what I’m talking about, you can’t cook and this doesn’t concern you.”

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It’s time to take you into the weekend with the seventh edition of Celtics on eBay. We ask, “Would you pay [a pretty penny] for [current or former member of the Celtics]‘ [eBay item]?” Confusing enough? Good. Let’s get started.

This week’s item isn’t even a game-worn jersey from legendary Celtics forward Brian Scalabrine. It’s a practice-worn jersey. We talkin’ about practice. Not a game. Not the game that he goes out there and dies for and plays every game like it’s his last. Not the game. We talkin’ about practice, man. The only thing worse than a Brian Scalabrine game jersey is a Brian Scalabrine practice jersey. And the only thing worse than that is one that he’s actually worn, sweating all over it and stinking it up. But I guess it’s signed, so the dude is asking $275 for it …

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Want to waste more time this weekend? Vote on these overpriced/awesome Celtics items from previous weeks:

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Wake up with the Celtics and your daily dose of Irish Coffee …

Hip-hop lost one of its best when Nate Dogg died at age 41 on Tuesday. In memoriam, I figured I’d share one of the great scenes in basketball movie history — which, of course, featured the Warren G track “Regulate” (feat. Nate Dogg) at the crescendo (and, yes, I just used the word crescendo).

For those of you who might need the back story behind this “Above the Rim” scene, it’s not too complicated …

A former high school basketball star turned janitor named Shep stopped playing when his best friend died after dunking so hard on the top of a roof that he went through the hoop and fell off the top of the building. Just your every day, typical high school stuff.

So, the janitor — clearly the city’s most eligible bachelor — starts dating the mother of the school’s next great superstar, Kyle Lee Watson. The kid gets pissed, but eventually they all make up when Shep dominates a team coached by Tupac in a blacktop tournament while wearing corduroys.

Then, Avon Barksdale from ”The Wire” tries to shoot Watson and Shep only to get shot himself. Eventually, Watson wins the Big East championship for Georgetown with a buzzer-beating 3-pointer while Shep and his mom decide to watch the game on TV in a bar rather than see the game in person. Got it? Good.

Nate Dogg had plenty of NBA ties, including one with the Celtics. He appeared on the Lloyd Banks song “Warrior,” also featuring 50 Cent and Eminem. The tune included the lyric:  “‘Cause he remembers when they wouldn’t lend a helping hand ’til he was sitting on green like a Celtics fan.”

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Wake up with the Celtics and your daily dose of Irish Coffee …

Not that the following numbers definitively prove anything, but I figured it would be interesting to see the career production of the Celtics’ recent acquisitions compared to the departing C’s.

Here are the  combined per-game averages of Troy Murphy, Jeff Green and Nenad Krstic over the course of 1,327 career games …

• Points: 36.1
• Rebounds: 19.6
• Assists: 4.2
• Steals: 2.0
• Blocks: 1.7
• Turnovers: 4.4
• Personal fouls: 8.3
• Field-goal percentage: .457
• 3-point field-goal percentage: .370
• Free-throw percentage: .767

And here are the  combined per-game averages of Kendrick Perkins, Nate Robinson, Marquis Daniels, Semih Erden and Luke Harangody over the course of 1,363 career games …

• Points: 32.7
• Rebounds: 16.6
• Assists: 6.4
• Steals: 2.7
• Blocks: 2.7
• Turnovers: 5.5
• Personal fouls: 10.8
• Field-goal percentage: .471
• 3-point field-goal percentage: .327
• Free-throw percentage: .703

With three players coming to Boston and five guys leaving town, the Celtics are acquiring more points, rebounds and assists in addition to fewer turnovers and personal fouls. Although, cynics could argue that those same numbers favor the former Celtics’s defensive toughness – as that group recorded more steals, blocks and personal fouls.

Should the Celtics add either Corey Brewer, Rasual Butler or Player X, those stats would push the numbers even further in the current Celtics’ favor. Speaking of which …

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Kevin Garnett wasn’t just on his game on the court against nemesis Joakim Noah but he was just as sharp off of it, talking about everything from his battle with Noah “The Nobody” to a potential labor stoppage next season, his future and his respect for “ring brother” Brian Scalabrine.

Sounding a very philosophical tone, Garnett said he is not looking for any sympathy for the nagging injuries he’s played through but rather just trying to enjoy himself as long as he can and as long as the NBA is still in business.

On Friday against the Bulls, Garnett showed the dominant form from the 2008 championship season, scoring 20 points on 7-of-11 shooting while grabbing 17 rebounds in Boston’s 104-92 win at TD Garden.

Garnett’s loudest statement wasn’t about silencing Noah but rather enjoying the moment.

“Especially with the lockout coming up, who knows if this is my last year or if we don’t play next year what it’s going to be,” Garnett said. “So I’m trying to enjoy the guys now, you know.”

He also addressed questions about his rivalry with Noah, the only player he refused to greet on the court just before tip-off Friday.

“I’m going to tell you something about people, man,” Garnett began. “Everybody has an opinion, and obviously, he had one. I’m not entertaining nor addressing nobodies. I’m not even entertaining them. I’m focused on basketball and these wins and trying to make this team better. Other than that, I’m not on anything”

Asked specifically if he considered Noah a “nobody”, Garnett smiled, winked and said more with less.
like he did with Detroit’s Charlie Villanueva and Milwaukee’s Andrew Bogut exactly a month earlier at the Garden.

“Next question,” he responded.

“I’m not dealing with nobodies anymore,” Garnett said back in November of his on-court run-ins with Villanueva and Bogut and the criticism that he is a “mean” player.

But most of all, he sounded like a veteran who was just enjoying getting his health back so he could show off his considerable talents, talents that will take him to Springfield someday and the Hall of Fame.

“Anytime you win, it’s enjoyable, to be honest with you,” Garnett said. “Playing with Shaq, some of the new guys, JO…I’ll be glad when he gets back. I’ll be glad when Perk gets back….Delonte. We have a real vibrant team and I love our team. I don’t like it, I love our team. I love our guys and this is the first time in a long time I’ve allowed myself to actually enjoy them. But I do have a certain way and a certain style that I like to be when I hit the court. Shaq gets a smile out of me very now and then, but for the most part I’m still me.”

But perhaps the funniest and most telling quote of the night came when he was asked about seeing Brian Scalabrine for the last time this year at TD Garden. Scalabrine got into the game in the final minute during “Gino Time” to chants that even KG had to respect.

“I love Scal to death,” KG said. “Right after the game, always go and show him respect. That’s my [championship] ring brother. But Gino’s my dude.”